| Good morning. They say business news is boring. Well...this year alone has brought us GameStop mania, a ship stuck in the Suez Canal, the Archegos collapse, a shortage of literally everything, someone named Beeple selling an NFT for $69 million, a European Super League that lasted for 48 hours, and now, perhaps the most absurd of them all, dogecoin. At this point, the Knicks could make a deep run in the playoffs and we wouldn't be surprised. | | | |  | Nasdaq | 13,752.24 | | | | | S&P | 4,232.60 | | | | | Dow | 34,777.76 | | | | | Bitcoin | $58,603.04 | | | | | 10-Year | 1.597% | | | | | Oil | $65.62 | | | | *Stock data as of market close, cryptocurrency data as of 9:00pm ET. Here's what these numbers mean. | - Markets: Stocks begin the week at or near record highs despite a hugely disappointing jobs report last Friday.
- Politics: All the chatter in DC is around the future of GOP representative and Trump critic Liz Cheney, who appears to be on her way out as chair of the House Republican Conference. House Republicans could vote as soon as Wednesday to replace Cheney with someone more loyal to former President Trump.
| |  Katja Buchholz/Getty Images | The country's largest gasoline pipeline is mostly out of commission after the system's operator, Colonial Pipeline, got hit with a ransomware attack. What happened: On Thursday, the hackers reportedly stole nearly 100 gigabytes of data from Colonial's computer systems, then locked up its computers and demanded payment. Colonial shut down the pipeline Friday as a precaution. - That "double-extortion" scheme is a hallmark of the criminal group DarkSide, which experts consider the prime suspect in this hack.
What are the consequences? Well, it's like if officials shut down I-95 and you had to take Route 1, in all its traffic-light glory, from Florida to Maine. The pipeline is the main source of diesel, gasoline, and jet fuel for the East Coast. It hauls more than 100 million gallons of fuel a day from Gulf Coast refineries to major hubs up the coast, including airports in Atlanta, North Carolina, and NYC. So should we expect a toilet paper-like run on gasoline? No, but the total damage will depend on how long the outage lasts. If the pipeline is down five-to-six days, it could lead to shortages and price increases. By last night, Colonial had restored service to some minor parts of its system, but not its four main lines. This is a pattern... In the past few weeks, while you've been focused on the price of dogecoin, various cyber criminals were busy launching ransomware attacks on everything from the Metropolitan Police Department of Washington, DC, to Scripps Health in San Diego. - Last year, average cyberattack ransoms paid in the US increased more than 3x to $310,000+, according to the firm Coveware.
Looking ahead...cybersecurity poses a major challenge for the Biden administration. Last week, Department of Homeland Security Secretary Alejandro Mayorkas called ransomware one of his "most significant priorities right now," and the administration has launched an initiative to help critical infrastructure like electric utilities and water districts protect against attacks. | |  Giphy | ...or type SAVE20 into every online order, because prices are up across the board, reports the WSJ. Commodities: Prices of copper, steel, and Catan fan-favorite resource lumber have all soared to record highs, causing a corresponding price increase in end products, like houses. Groceries: Corn, soybeans, baked goods, seafood, and even block cheese futures are all up. Of the 52 grocery categories tracked by Nielsen IQ, 50 are more expensive than they were a year ago. Other consumer goods: Semiconductor chip shortages have led to more expensive cars. Tesla just raised prices on its Model 3 and Model Y. Rideshare: If you thought an Uber/Lyft to Malibu was expensive before the pandemic...last week, executives admitted prices have perma-surged due to a shortage of drivers. Should we sound the inflation alarm? Treasury Secretary Janet Yellen and Fed Chair Jerome Powell have argued that the current sticker shock is only temporary. "An episode of one-time price increases as the economy reopens is not the same thing as—and is not likely to lead to—persistently higher year over year inflation into the future," Powell said. | |  Icon Sportswire/Getty Images | This news might give your next mint julep a bitter aftertaste: Medina Spirit, the winning horse of last week's Kentucky Derby, failed a drug test administered after the race. - If a second sample confirms the initial result, the colt will be disqualified and cede his championship to runner-up Mandaloun, becoming the third horse in the Derby's history to lose a title.
- While any gamblers who bet on Medina Spirit will keep their winnings, owner Amr Zedan would hand over his $1.8 million prize to Mandaloun's owner.
Medina Spirit's trainer, Bob Baffert, who's a BFD in the land of big hats, has had 30 failed drug tests for his horses over the four decades of his career...and five in about the last year. But Baffert seems baffled: "There are problems in racing, but it's not Bob Baffert. I don't believe in conspiracy theories, but why is it happening to me?" Zoom out: Baffert is right—there are doping problems in horse racing. The industry will try to address the issue with the Horseracing Integrity and Safety Act, which will go into effect in July of next year. The bill will lean on the Federal Trade Commission and the United States Anti-Doping Agency to write and enforce penalties for using off-limits drugs. | |  | eToro is a phenomenal way to trade cryptocurrencies. Once upon a time, not too many folks were apprised of this spicy digital investing info. Safe to say times have changed. AKA, everybody and their mom is waxing poetic about the exquisiteness of eToro. Because not only is eToro the best place to buy and trade over a dozen cryptocurrencies, but they've got a whole host of other benefits. Cue the benefits! - Experimenting with a virtual portfolio.
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The eToro hype machine is revving its engine. Get in on the action before everyone else and get $50 when you buy $1,000 worth of crypto right here. | |  SNL | Quote: "Yeah, it's a hustle." How Elon Musk, appearing as financial expert "Lloyd Ostertag" on SNL, described dogecoin. The meme-based crypto declined nearly 30% during Musk's appearance, which was livestreamed to more than 100 countries. But later in the weekend, Musk's SpaceX said it will launch a "DOGE-1 Mission to the moon" funded completely by dogecoin. Stat: Just 4% of iPhone users have opted in to app tracking after updating their phones to Apple's new iOS 14.5, which introduced new privacy features. That is exactly what companies like Facebook were worried about. Read: Online cheating charges upend Dartmouth medical school. (New York Times) | |  Spencer Platt/Getty Images | Easing Covid restrictions: Today, the New York Stock Exchange is inviting more traders and journalists back to its iconic floor, Facebook is reopening its California HQ to 10% capacity, and large Massachusetts venues like the TD Garden can double their capacity. Economic data: Remember all those price hikes from earlier in the newsletter? We'll get an even clearer picture of inflation when the government releases the consumer price index (CPI) on Wednesday. Earnings: Stow your electronics and lift your tray tables, because we're in the final descent of Q1 earnings season. This week's highlights include Marriott, Electronic Arts, Palantir, Coinbase, Bumble, SoftBank, Disney, Airbnb, and Alibaba. Everything else: - The Preakness is on Saturday...but will Medina Spirit be there?
- Eid al-Fitr begins at sundown on Wednesday, marking the end of the holy month of Ramadan.
- Tomorrow is "Eat What You Want Day," apparently.
| | - Debris from the Chinese rocket reentering Earth's atmosphere crashed into the Indian Ocean, China's space agency said.
- Melinda Gates had been working with lawyers on a split from Bill since 2019, according to the WSJ.
- All top social media sites are "categorically unsafe" for LGBTQ people, according to a GLAAD study released to Axios.
- Clubhouse launched its Android app in the US.
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- From dream jobs to building relationships, Rainesford Stauffer's An Ordinary Age strolls down the narrow path to success of young adulthood and explains why everything feels so frickin' hard in your 20s.
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