News : Trap #4: You see things in all-or-none terms

Saturday, October 17, 2020

Trap #4: You see things in all-or-none terms

Trap #4: You see things in all-or-none terms

Very few things in life are all-or-none. (Notice I didn't say that absolutely nothing is!) And yet many of us think constantly in black and white terms, throughout our days, our weeks, and our years. This traps us by oversimplifying our experiences.

Do you recognize yourself in any of these examples?

You've eaten a bunch of cookies, and feel awful about it because you were supposed to be avoiding processed food. So you decide you "might as well" have a bag of chips to top it all off.
Your friend has been late three times in a row, and you are majorly annoyed. You get into an argument and find yourself saying that she's "always late."
Your Monday starts out badly, including a delayed train, a torn sleeve, and spilled coffee. You post a picture of your torn sleeve on your Instagram story and say that this day is the absolute worst.
You have your first big presentation at your new job. You've not done much public speaking before, and you can tell that your nervousness is showing. You don't get very good feedback, and later you tell a friend, "I'm terrible at public speaking."
A girl you've been dating for five months has won over your family, and they gush about how much they love her. Lately she's been doing a few things that have been confusing and frustrating, but you are embarrassed to bring them up to your family for advice because you don't want to "ruin" the way they see her.

Many of us are all too eager to oversimplify our lives into black and white terms, but it keeps us stuck in bad habits, makes us believe the worst about ourselves or others, and prevents us from seeing a solution to our problems. It also can make us give up too soon ("Nothing ever works.") Not only is all-or-none thinking often factually incorrect, it also makes us jump to conclusions that can be toxic to our thought processes, robbing ourselves of enjoyment and opportunities as we live our lives.

Take Action:

Today, listen to the language you use, verbally and mentally, that indicates exaggerated, all-or-none patterns. It might be subtle ("totally!") but it affects how you think. Spot your use of "never," "always," "forever," "no chance," and the times you jump to a conclusion because of only a brief snapshot or single example.

When these thoughts come up, imagine yourself as a cross-examining attorney challenging someone else's oversimplified thinking. Or think what you would say if your friend was looking at things in this oversimplified way. Create a simple mental nudge away from this type of thinking, like "There is room for gray." "Always is not always true." "This is worth a closer look." "This is too important for blanket statements." "There are many sides to this." "This may not be as certain as I thought."

Up next: How waiting for a ~clean slate~ is a waste of time.

In the meantime, if you have questions or news about your progress in this challenge, I host a live weekly anonymous chat online on Tuesdays at 1 PM EST here. Feel free to drop in! You can also find me on Facebook. —Dr. Andrea Bonior