“Let’s get coffee!” “Okay, great! Let’s do that!” Six weeks goes by…. Maybe this is just me, but I have a weird problem: I put off seeing my friends. I don’t make or commit to plans with them. I resist activities and experiences that I know will probably be good for me. Why do I do this? Am I the only one who does it? Just to be clear, I’m not talking about people I don’t want to see. If you wonder why you put off seeing someone, and then you realize you don’t actually enjoy your time with them—there’s your answer. In that situation, you can simply continue to put off seeing them. Instead of feeling bad about it, now you can feel relieved. 😎 But my problem isn’t that. My problem is: I often put off seeing people I like! People who are good for me, who I feel energized by, and who afterwards I leave thinking I’m so glad I took time to hang out. So why do I do this? I’ve thought about it a lot, and rather than come up with a list of reasons, I settled on just two. 1. Demand avoidance / general resistance to planningThe first reason is resistance to planning. I often find myself sitting around thinking, it might be nice to do something with someone now. But of course, that’s not how plans with other people work. You need to coordinate schedules in some fashion, even if it’s a short time horizon—and I tend to resist that. As I wrote in the post on demand avoidance, some of us are just radically opposed to the imposition of structure on our lives. A demand isn’t necessarily something negative, it’s any sort of “ask” that we are expected to respond to. I used this image in the original post, and it applies here as well:
So some of the problem, clearly, is that I just don’t like making firm plans, at least more than a day or two in advance. (I travel somewhere almost every week, but I buy most plane tickets a few days before departure.) 2. The perception of time scarcity, AKA the idea that I am losing precious time that would be better spentThe second reason is a little complicated, because it could sound like “My friendships take up valuable work time, and work is more important than friendships.” It’s really not that! At least not entirely. It’s more that I ALWAYS worry my time could be better spent somehow, no matter what I’m doing. I have the same issue in the opposite scenario: when I decline to do something social (or when I fail to properly plan for it), I find myself regretting the choice later and ultimately “not using the time well” in my work or whatever else I’m doing. So whether I’m working or relaxing or being social, I tend to feel that I’m not doing the right thing at the right time. This problem isn’t easy to solve—I’m writing a whole book on Time Anxiety—but there’s one solution I’ve found to help tactically, at least in terms of spending time with friends. The solution is, when you feel resistance, do the opposite of what you feel. Challenge Resistance by Taking the Opposite ActionSimply put, the concept of taking the opposite action involves doing the opposite of what your emotional impulses are driving you to do, especially when those impulses are not aligned with your values or long-term goals. But wait, we’re supposed to be guided by our emotions, right? No! At least, not always. You can’t just “do what makes you happy,” at least in the moment. Sometimes you have to understand that you will be better off if you make choices that don’t immediately align with how you feel. This is a CBT/DBT-related strategy. I talked about cognitive-behavioral therapy a bit in this post. A related version is Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), which incorporates concepts of mindfulness into CBT. So in my case, I need to make plans to see friends, even though I often have resistance to plans in general. It’s good to be selective and say no to lots of things, but for the relationships that are important to me, I should revise this impulse. Of course, over time I will probably revert to the pattern! I know this about myself. But now I notice that I do it, and that can be helpful on its own. It doesn’t solve everything … but I’m working on it.
Conversation Starters1. Do you put off spending time with people you enjoy? 2. What are some ways to make friends as adults? 3. How much time do you like to spend with people? 4. Can we have coffee next week? You’re currently a free subscriber to 🌻 A Year of Mental Health. For the full experience, consider upgrading!
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Monday, April 29, 2024
Why Do I Put Off Seeing My Friends?
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