I reserved this book because it was constantly #1 in the "New York Times."
And because of its title.
No one ever talks about the liberation of the death of a parent. The evaporation of judgment (not that it completely evaporates!) When do you get to be an adult, make up your own mind, make your own decisions? Some people never, they're haunted by their parents until their own death.
My mother always told me I was not the one. And it wasn't until I was deep into adulthood that I realized she hated men. Other than a very few, who were always attractive, who still might cross a line and be thrown on the scrapheap. But women? Any achievement, any good turn of fate and she'd laud it.
As for impressing my mother... It was almost impossible to do. And she was the ultimate arbiter. And if you disagreed...the blowback would be intense. I thought my mother knew everything, at least about the arts, until I went to college. As soon as I came home I learned to shut up, which she also didn't like, because I couldn't possibly know more than her, never mind have a different opinion.
But my mother was the straw who stirred the drink. Everybody loved her. And with the right personality you can be cutting, make jokes, and get away with it. Most people are dull and don't know where to go or what to do, my mother provided direction, she led them, she provided the entertainment, she was the leader.
She was not like Jennette McCurdy's mom, who traded on her looks. That was her calling card. Other than that she had no portfolio. So she dieted herself down to nothing but still felt unfulfilled, so she boosted her daughter's career to have something to live for, she thought she lost her chance when she got married and had kids.
That's what many people want. But if you want to test the limits, achieve riches and fame, you need very few encumbrances, very few obligations, because achievement takes all your time, and often doesn't pay dividends for years, if not decades.
So I start to read the book and...
I wonder if this is just an inferior version of Tara Westover's "Educated." If you haven't read that book, you should. It's mind-blowing. But also about growing up in a Mormon household.
The picture Jennette paints of growing up in Garden Grove, California... In a small house owned by her mother's parents, who ultimately move in. With little room, because Jennette's mom is a hoarder. The kids sleep in the living room, not in the bedroom. And they eat meals on a plastic tarp laid down in said living room. And you'd better not drip on the carpet!
These people are poor. We don't learn too much about the parents' background, but they're unskilled laborers, the father has two jobs, one in the kitchen design department at Home Depot, the other making cardboard cutouts for Hollywood Video... The grandfather works as a ticket-taker at Disneyland... There's no MONEY! And the mother is constantly on the phone trying to forestall paying bills and...
So, Jennette's mother Debra decides to imprint her dream upon her daughter, to become an actress.
And Debra is a force of nature. This is what most people don't realize, how much effort it takes to have an opportunity, never mind make it. Debra rings the phone off the hook at managers' and agents' offices. And she's always upgrading Jennette's representation and...
She insists Jennette take dance class so her resumé will be enhanced. It's a full time job for Jennette, and she's just a kid. As for education? She's homeschooled, all the kids are...you wonder what kind of education they ultimately get. You're a child actor, you run out of roles and then you're left by the side of the road without cash and skills and...
I thought that "I'm Glad My Mom Died" might just be one of those stories, child actor memoir. But it was more.
Jennette cannot say no to her mom. Because that's how Jennette feels good, by satisfying her mom, making her smile. And if Jennette does the opposite... Her cancer-surviving mom disapproves, extremely.
"This thing in Mom drives me nuts. This thing where she yearns to be pitied. She's got stage four cancer, she's already plenty pitied. She doesn't need to throw Wendy's on top of it."
Manipulative.
Debra recovered from bad cancer, she trades on it. Tells Jennette to tell casting directors about her mom's history to gain an advantage. As for Wendy's... When Jennette has money, and can pay for dinner anywhere, and Debra's cancer has returned, her mom says Wendy's is good. I certainly know people like this. They want to make you feel bad, for succeeding, for not properly acknowledging their situation.
So Jennette starts out as an extra. And it does not sound pretty. A lot of long days standing around in the heat.
And ultimately Jennette is cast in a costarring role in the Nickelodeon show "iCarly."
I know "iCarly." I've never seen it, but I follow the business. And I know it was a Dan Schneider show, the child actor become show creator who is now disgraced because of his abusive behavior.
And it sounds like a dream. And to a degree it is, the family's bills can be paid.
But Jennette can't shake her mother. Even when she moves out of the house, her mother ultimately moves in.
And Jennette is self-conscious about growing up, and when she confides this to her mother Debra leads her on the road to calorie-counting and anorexia, to make sure Jennette's boobs don't grow.
And Jennette likes this. Or thinks she does. She wants to forestall adulthood.
But then it arrives and she's on a show for youngsters. She wants to grow up and she's peddling this nonsense knowing it won't lead to anything more.
Then she gets her own show and her costar is the upcoming Ariana Grande and Jennette is eclipsed and then...
Well you know the story.
Only you don't.
Because ultimately Jennette gets off the hamster wheel. She quits acting. That's right up front. You know that. But that's not the way it usually goes down, most people are squeezed out. They try and try until they run out of cash and get a low-paying day job and become a laughingstock via pictures online, illustrating they're no better than the rest of us.
Which they are not.
They're told that fame is desirable, that it's what everybody wants. Read "I'm Glad My Mom Died" and you will never allow your kid to be an actor. McCurdy keeps saying she missed out on growing up, making mistakes. And when she finally dips her toe into the romantic field... It's very late with bad choices.
Kid actors are supposed to lose their virginity at 13 and start drinking shortly thereafter. Jennette ultimately does both, but almost a decade later, long after even the average person has experience.
And she finds her whackadoodle therapist online. You'd think she'd call one of her team for a recommendation. But does she even know to do this? Or maybe she's embarrassed. And her eating disorder and drinking get ever worse and...
"I'm Glad My Mom Died" is not a highbrow book.
But I wondered how lowbrow, how much respect it was getting.
Well, it was reviewed in the "New York Times," and that's a big achievement, most books are not. And it was far from excoriated.
So do you need to read it?
Well, if you ever watched "iCarly" you should.
But if the above doesn't interest you, intrigue you, forget it.
But if you have more questions than answers, wonder whether you're doing it right, trying to shake off bad influences, wondering how to march forward.
I highly recommend "I'm Glad My Mom Died."
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