Drinking is, of course, a human necessity — we all have to hydrate our bodies so that we don't, you know, die. As a result there is no shortage of companies waiting in the wings to help us quench our thirst with bottled water and canned seltzer and funky kombucha and "gut-friendly" sodas and "charged lemonades" and whatever the hell "hop water" is. But why are there so many beverages right now, and why are they trying to solve all my problems?
I have spent a lot of time reporting on various beverage categories, including fancy sodas and the viral popularity of canned water company Liquid Death. As a result, my inbox is replete with pitches for varieties of "functional soda" and seltzers. These drinks are infused with nootropics, adaptogens, THC, CBD, prebiotics, probiotics, vitamins, minerals, caffeine, and other supplements, all of which boast the ability to cure a wide range of ills.
Sure, beverages have always performed a function. We drank beer in the Middle Ages because the water was sketchy, and we drink coffee now to keep us awake enough to perform 40-plus hours of labor a week. But now we're asking what we drink to heal our guts, help us think, and just generally be healthier, more virtuous people. That's a lot to ask of something that comes in a can!
The misguided idea that everything we put into our bodies must serve some greater purpose beyond simple enjoyment has spawned a massive industry of these "functional beverages," one that's constantly looking to sell you some new brightly colored drink with a vague halo of health.
And to be sure, nobody loves a fancy little drink more than I do. But I want to consume a beverage because it is enjoyable to drink, not because it's spiked with inulin fiber for optimal digestion, which is something that the brands seem a little overly concerned with at the moment. For once, I want a beverage brand to simply tell me that its products taste good. That, truly, is the only beverage virtue that I care about. I don't need to know that it will boost my immune system or help me poop better, just that I will have an enjoyable experience when I pour it over ice and take a sip.
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