I stayed up until 1:30 AM finishing this book last night.
Actually, that's not late for me, but I had to get up early last week for three days of IVIG at Cedars-Sinai for my skin, to wipe out the pemphigus cells, so hopefully I don't need more Rituxan that makes it so the Covid vaccine doesn't work. You never know what is coming down the pike.
And the first thing they do is give you two Benadryl and a steroid pill, a half hour before they begin the four hour drip. Actually, it went a bit faster a month ago, I'm doing this three months in a row, and I woke up the third day with an insane headache, much worse than you can imagine, I only had one this bad when they punched a hole in my spine during surgery and all the fluid drained out of my skull and my brain rattled against my cranium. And one thing you've got to know is that they don't do anything in the infusion center that the doctor doesn't approve. Wouldn't give me so much as a Tylenol. Dope up before you go, that's what I learned. This headache a known problem, when the drip is too fast, the doctor thought it might be meningitis, but thank god no. So they've slowed the drip down, but you still feel off for the better part of a week. As for the ride in the chair... You're so fogged out you can't really accomplish anything, you can't read a book, you can't watch a movie, so you end up surfing on your phone endlessly, and believe me that gets old. Only silver lining? The nurses are very nice and helpful.
So, I'd started this book before my treatment, but I'd read a few pages and then stop. Well, more than that, but I wasn't hooked and I wondered why. Maybe it was because it resonated so much. But last night, it caught fire.
So what you've got here is a female student at what is really Dartmouth in the nineties, exploring her identity, her womanhood, her sexuality... And that gives you the wrong impression. I guess...
I didn't go to a big city school, not a big school at all. And from what I hear, at many institutions studying takes a back seat to extracurriculars. People are going through the motions to get a degree, which is necessary to get a job as a receptionist, assuming that role is not digitized. So...
I could be completely wrong. And I'm not saying there aren't grinds and intellects at every institution, it's just that I have no familiarity with them, I only have my own experience. And to a great degree that experience is delineated in "My Last Innocent Year." Not with a single character...then again, I knew all these people at college.
Debra feels left out, she gets depressed, she's trying to wake the system up to its injustices. You think everything is so important when you're in college, that you can change the game, but the truth is the only thing that survives is the institution, you leave and it remains, keeps chugging along.
And then there's the woman who got a boyfriend right away and they end up getting married.
And the grinds.
The main character, Isabel, takes her studies too seriously for me.
Let me back up a chapter. There's all this talk about people not needing to go to college, ironically it's mostly from those who've been to college. College is about being away from home, hanging with new people, what happens outside the classroom is more important than what happens inside. Which is why I envy those people at the large institutions, I think I missed out. But if you don't go to college, you too miss out on something. Yes, debt is too high, but you don't really know how other people think until you go away to school.
Anyway, when you go to school in the middle of nowhere you're off the grid, at least before the internet, which is nascent in this story. The rest of the world fades away, and in truth the system beats you down.
"That's what critique does, shuts us down so only the strong survive. Thins out the competition."
The real world is not like elite institutions. Then again, that's wrong. Everybody's trying to put you in your place, so they won't have to compete with you. Do you have the inner strength to stay the course? And at this advanced age, one thing I've found is those who are overflowing with confidence are the least skilled, the least talented. At Middlebury people were always criticizing you for your word choices, other behaviors you didn't think twice about before you arrived. It inhibited me, made me feel the world was an unbeatable giant. But within a month at my first job after graduation, the owner of the store I was working at wanted to give it to me. That was a surprise.
You know I don't want to tell you the plot. It does involve the consequences of sexual relationships, but if you read the blurbs you'll get the wrong idea. Because it's really about the inner voice, and confidence. If you feel like a fish out of water, like you don't always fit in, this is the kind of book that resonates. As a matter of fact, those confident they fit in and will succeed don't even read books, never mind fiction like this. It's a cult, a very large one, of alienated people who aren't sure how it all works, you know who you are.
"But back then, I still believed beauty conferred a kind of moral superiority."
You learn beautiful people are ultimately crippled by their beauty. They get advantages, they don't have to work as hard. Forget the point about no one asking them to the prom... It's like when you read about actresses who can't find a guy... They're not looking for you, they're looking for someone rich, beautiful and famous who is superior to them!
"That's because you're a crumb eater, Isabel, and you think you deserve scraps. I can't wait to see what you do when you realize you deserve a place at the fucking table."
I wish I had a professor who said this to me. In truth, they all saw me as an troublemaker who wouldn't accept the structure. If you question...
"'I'm sorry I haven't lived up to your expectations,' I said, popping a piece of broccoli in my mouth. It tasted charred and bitter, like tears. 'What are you talking about?' 'Do you ever hear yourself? You're always going on about how great everybody else is doing—Casey Hurwitz, Jeffrey Greenbaum..."
This was my parents to a T, my older sister has still not recovered from being compared to Kathy Eckber.
The other reason I liked this book is that it didn't play out the way I expected it to. You anticipate the climax, and that's not what happens.
And then the book marches on, into the future.
"I thought I saw him sometimes, riding the 6 train or hailing a taxi on Third Avenue or once, standing in front of EJ's Luncheonette where I used to take Alice for pancakes bigger than her head. There was a band teacher at Westview who reminded me of him, and one summer, when Bo, Alice, and I were in California, I could have sworn I saw him riding a bike down the boardwalk in Venice Beach, zigzagging through the skateboarders, stoners, and snake charmers."
This is what no one ever talks about, the aftermath of relationships. Like in that legendary George Jones song, "He Stopped Loving Her Today." You don't break up and it's over, there are people still hung up on those they barely even knew. You think about them, are convinced you see them, and time marches on and ultimately, after years, you think about them less...but you still think about them. I don't see this depicted in movies or TV, no one famous talks about this, you appear weak, but it's the truth.
"'Are you a writer?' 'Yes.' 'Do you love it?' I answered without pause. 'Yes.' She sucked in her breath. 'That's the secret, isn't it? They want us to think it's hard, maybe so we'll stop. But we know it's a gift.'"
This positively stunned me. I've never ever seen this said. All I hear is all the "writers" telling me how difficult it is, all about rewriting and... They're caught up in the system, that one of structure and criticism, of pecking order. If it's truly hard, get another job. Or unburden yourself, don't worry about what others will say, just plow ahead.
So...
I don't write about all the books I read. And I'm always anxious about those I do write about, for fear it's an imprimatur, that the book is great and is for everybody. "My Last Innocent Year" is not for everybody. You won't learn any business lessons. You'll feel removed from everyday life, but connected to yourself.
I guess you know if it's for you.
And if it is, it will not only resonate, but touch you.
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