If you make a mistake, own it. You'll get a whole hell of a lot more respect for that rather than trying to explain why you were right and should not be culpable.
Nobody knows everything, and you're not expected to. So, admit what you don't know, it enhances your reputation. Funny, I find the more successful someone is the more they're willing to admit they don't know something.
You're defending yourself, but it's not a court of law, there's no advantage to this. The person you're talking to is rolling their eyes, they think you're a child. Being an adult means accepting responsibility.
Defensiveness pisses people off and ends conversations, to everybody's detriment. Only if you're open and honest can there be a conversation, where things can be learned and a consensus can be reached.
If you are defensive people won't want to interact with you, they'll leave you out of discussions, gatherings, business...because it's just too much of a hassle to have you around.
You can always learn new tricks. Being defensive illustrates that you think you know it all and are impervious to criticism.
You're oftentimes being defensive about things that the other person isn't even thinking about or doesn't care about.
Oftentimes what is very simple becomes complicated because you are defensive. What was going to be an easy interaction is now long and tense because you've got to explain what you did and why.
Accept blame, it actually feels good. If you're always trying to be right, you're wrong.
Don't confuse defensiveness with standing your ground.
You've got to let some things slide. Even if the speaker is wrong, sometimes it's best not to say anything. Oftentimes the point is irrelevant, or evanescent, but if you defend yourself in some bogus search for truth, then the interaction becomes memorable.
You may think life is a competition, but in reality it's an interaction. Life is all about interacting with other people, learn how to do this and it will be to your advantage. I'm not saying you can't have a contrary opinion, but you also need to know not to hammer it.
There is no box score, no one usually cares that you're right other than you, and oftentimes you're wrong, because you can't see the entire picture.
Your superior or boss will like you more if you admit fault, take responsibility, than if you try to weasel out of it. You will be labeled difficult and your rise in the entity will be hindered.
Conversation is two-way, defensiveness makes it one way, and that's not a conversation.
What do you expect someone to say in reaction to your defensiveness? Do you expect them to get into the details with you, which they usually don't care much about? Do you expect them to apologize, say you're right, when the matter is almost always trivial? What are you trying to achieve here?
You're gonna be wrong. Otherwise you're not living life. Own it and you'll go up the ladder as opposed to staying where you are, if not getting kicked off entirely.
If your boss is an a-hole, accept it. Trying to prove to them that you're right and they're wrong is worthless. Try to work for someone else. The funny thing is most people know who the a-holes are, and unless they own the company, their tenure is limited. Life is long, don't let momentary hurdles get in your way.
Go to therapy. The more you know about yourself, the better you'll interact, the more you'll succeed in life. But the funny thing is the defensive people are the ones who don't go to therapy, even though they need it the most. You see therapy is an open process, where you're supposed to learn about yourself, gain insight, change to your advantage. But if you can't hear you're less than perfect, it doesn't work, but that doesn't matter, because like I said above, these people don't even go.
Therapy is a badge of honor for Millennials and Gen-Z. People want to date others who've done some work on themselves, who have some insight into themselves and others.
You get to choose how you interact. Think about that, how do you want to engage such that when the conversation is over you've got the best chance of getting the result you want? This is the antithesis of defensiveness. Defensive people don't think, they just react. And the rest of us are sick of it.
--
Visit the archive: lefsetz.com/wordpress/
--
Listen to the podcast:
-iHeart: ihr.fm/2Gi5PFj
-Apple: apple.co/2ndmpvp
--
www.twitter.com/lefsetz
--
If you would like to subscribe to the LefsetzLetter,
www.lefsetz.com/lists/?p=subscribe&id=1
If you do not want to receive any more LefsetzLetters, Unsubscribe
To change your email address this link
No comments:
Post a Comment